I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
did i just pee glitter
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