I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Don't make out with my wife yet
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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