i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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