Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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