i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We left an ass print on the piano.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
