A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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