Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
