Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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