I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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