dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
