I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
