dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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