that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I don't deserve a penis
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
