i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
