Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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