Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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