too bad you live with your parents still
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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