would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Randomize
