we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
