sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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