I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is it penis luge time yet?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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