Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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