i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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