That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Someone came in the potted fern
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
