the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
