Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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