I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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