We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
