Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
