There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
