I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
