apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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