the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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