We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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