he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
