we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
