if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
