A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
