I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
