Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
