I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
