if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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