I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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