just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
BRING THE BAGELS
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
