we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
