When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
