when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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