the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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