He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
