just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
