That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Randomize
