Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
